Healing
by tika12001
Summary: Felt like writing something. Wrote something. This? The end product. Based on the last episode though I haven't actually seen it yet, fair warning.


Sleepy so not gonna do my usual rigmarole up here... just a quick disclaimer: not mine, make no money, characters belong to Tess Gerritsen and their TV counterparts to Janet Tamaro. Thanks for letting me borrow them.

Read and (hopefully) enjoy. -Katie

R&IR&IR&I

"Hey, so... I have a question."

Maura paused for only a brief instant before resuming pouring her glass of wine. She hoped Jane hadn't noticed the slight hesitation, but, of course, Jane was Jane, observant down to the last instant, and when Maura looked up, her friend's dark eyes were focused on Maura's hands. Maura sighed softly before picking both her glass and Jane's beer up, heading over to sit next to her friend on her couch. "Yes?"

Jane was still not focusing on Maura's face, her eyes now drawn to the label of the beer bottle. "I... I don't know. It's stupid."

"I'm sure it's not," Maura replied uncertainly as she settled herself on the couch, now watching Jane pick at the label.

"No, it is. It's... I'm imagining things."

"Like... hallucinations?" Maura sat up. This, she knew. Emotions on the other hand... that was something that she was still figuring out. "Are you having any other symptoms? Nausea, vertigo, fevers...?"

"No, Maura, I'm not sick," Jane bit out, her tone indicating exasperation but her micro expressions indicating fondness. Maura sat back, somewhat appeased. "I don't mean like... like I'm imagining pink elephants or something. Just..." she sighed, shook her head. "Never mind. Like I said, it's stupid."

"So... you're just going to take it out on the beer label?" Maura asked hesitantly, only wincing a little bit as another shredded piece fluttered its way to her (previously pristine) floor.

"What?" Jane glanced down. "Oh. Sorry."

Maura waved a hand nonchalantly. "It's okay."

Jane peered at her for a second before barking out a laugh. "Huh. I almost believed you then. You _are_ getting better at this 'lying' business."

"Thank you," Maura said softly, then bit her lip as she realized with a jolt that she didn't know what to say next. How could she not know what to say next? This was _Jane_ , for petes sake. They never ran out of topics of conversation.

But then, she thought slowly, that was when they spent lots of time together. And wasn't it true that lately, they _hadn't_ been spending much time together? At least, not on their own. There always seemed to be someone else present... Angela, Korsak, Frankie, Kent. They seemed to act as a conversation buffer so to speak... someone to bounce conversations off of, to keep them interesting. And perhaps she and Jane had come to rely on this third party, without even realizing it. Perhaps she and Jane had hit a slump in their friendship... and this, of course, meant that Jane was getting bored with her. Maura understood it now, of course she did, and Jane had been wonderful to last this long, but hadn't Maura noticed the caustic remarks that were a little less fond, a little more biting? Hadn't she noticed the looks of boredom, of frustration, of embarrassment or even disdain? Of course she had. Jane was sick of her, and didn't know how to tell her.

But then, what was she wanting to question? How to break up with a friend? Was she hoping to seek advice from Maura before breaking up _with Maura_? Surely she wouldn't be so cruel. But then, Maura was feeling more and more lately like she didn't even know Jane anymore. The Jane _she_ knew, after all, would not have even considered taking an FBI job...

"Maura, I can hear your robot brain whirring from here. Stop it."

"I don't have a robot brain," Maura murmured quietly into her wine glass and she heard Jane sigh, feeling her move on the couch, feeling more than seeing that she was turning towards Maura.

"No," Jane breathed. "Of course you don't. You have a human brain... a beautiful, kind, considerate, loving, super smart _human_ brain. And..." her voice trembled, "I feel like I don't know it anymore."

Maura looked up.

"I... I guess that was what I wanted to ask," Jane continued quietly. "I just... I wanted to know when we became so... so _alienated_ from each other. When did we, Maura? When did we stop being the first person we run to whenever... well, whenever _anything_ happens? When did we stop talking about men, and babies, and our fucked up families, and... and just dealing with our shit together, and _life_ and... just... when did that happen?"

Maura gaped, but it seemed like Jane was seriously waiting for an answer, so she swallowed several times before replying. "I don't... I don't know."

"I don't either."

The room was filled with a silence so loud that Maura swore she could feel it pressing at her eardrums. Just when she felt like she had to do _something_ to break the silence, Jane spoke.

"I miss us."

"I do too." Maura wanted to reach out and grab Jane's hand but it didn't feel right. Not yet. And she had the distinct impression that this... this whatever it was... it had to be dealt with now so that things could start being okay again. If she waited... if this conversation halted for any reason... she knew that that would be it. Whether they knew it or not, their friendship would truly begin its demise that night, and there would be no saving it. Not this time. So she did the only thing she could do... she started talking. "You know, when I was doing the pros and cons list for the FBI job, there was one 'con' I thought of that I didn't write down."

"That I'd have to leave you?"

"That you'd have to leave me," Maura nodded.

Jane was picking at the beer label again. "Why didn't you add it?"

"Because..." Maura shook her head and suddenly found herself wishing that her wine glass had a label she could pick at too, "because that was _my_ con reason. Not... not necessarily yours."

"It's my reason too."

"So... why didn't you say it then?"

Jane gnawed at her lip. "I'm so confused at the moment."

"About whether to take the job or not?"

"Why didn't you ever mention your ex-husband?" Jane asked quickly and Maura blinked, blindsided by the sudden change of topic.

"It... it never came up."

"No, it did. We had discussions about weddings. Many discussions. We talked about wedding dresses. We talked about locations, and wedding fantasies, and not _once_ did you ever say anything about ever having gone through it before."

"It... it wasn't really a marriage though. It was nothing. A mistake."

"It was a legal marriage, and..." Jane stopped herself and shook her head abruptly. Slowly, carefully, seemingly picking her words, she continued. "I mean, I could understand not telling me _now_... but to not tell me back then..."

"Why would I not tell you now?"

"You know why, Maura."

Maura looked into her wine glass again, staring at the reflection of the ceiling light in the dark liquid, staring until the tiny reflection appeared to her even when her eyes were closed, and she sighed. "I... I want you to take the FBI job, but only if you want it." She looked up. "You need to do it for the right reasons, Jane. Not because your mother wants you to, or Agent Davies wants you to... only do it if _you_ want to."

"I don't know what I want."

"You do, Jane. You always have."

Jane laughed suddenly, a bright, broken flash of sound that hurt Maura's ears. "You don't have any other ex husbands hidden away somewhere, do you?"

"No."

"Illegitimate children?"

Maura smiled. "No, I think not."

Jane peered up at her, her eyes shiny with unshed tears and uncharacteristic fragility. "Another best friend hidden in a closet or under a bed?"

Maura finally reached out to take Jane's hand. "No. It's just you, Jane. I'd... I'd be lost without you."

"Okay," Jane smiled, and laughed again, and this time, the sound didn't hurt. Maura smiled. It all felt rather anticlimactic but... this was it. This was her friendship with Jane. It was raw and messy and perfect. It was _real_ , and Maura loved it all the more for its realness. And now, somehow, it was healed.

"So... the FBI?" Maura asked hesitantly, and Jane shrugged, wiping away a few errant tears that had fallen before handing Maura a tissue. Maura wiped her own eyes, a small smile on her face

"I don't know yet. But... the decision doesn't cause me pain now, you know?"

"Yes..." Maura replied, then checked herself. "Yeah," she said quietly instead, a casual word for the least casual relationship in her life, for the messiest and hardest relationship in her life... and yet, it fit. "We'll be okay though. No matter what you choose."

"We will."

Maura looked at the glint of light in her glass one more time before smiling and downing the whole glass. She had the light inside her now. She had Jane.

And together, they'd be okay.

END

Just a quick note this time to say love you all, be safe and well and I'll see you next time. xoxo -Katie


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